Frustrated and confused by the modern day dating world (and soover the fuckboys), I decided to take refuge in one of my all time favorite goth romance novels, Rebecca.
Originally published in 1938, Rebecca has reminded me of the stark differences in dating back in the day versus our current dating environment, but it has also pointed out some striking similarities.
The story is about a young woman trying to work herself into high society and she ends up falling for a mysterious and famous millionaire. Hes edgy, closed off and hides a dark secret.
I totally get her infatuation with him. Theres just something about an emotionally unavailable man that drives girls nuts. It did back then, and it certainly still does now.
What I found most shocking about her situation was the way she felt while embarking on a relationship with this man. Decades later, its almost identical to how so many of my girlfriends, myself included, feel when starting a relationship with someone whos hard to read, intriguing and who we cant imagine not exploring something further with.
Similar to the modern girl, Rebecca seemed insecure and unsure of herself after the first several encounters. Every encounter was piled high with hopes and expectations. Sound familiar?
What is it about falling for someone that makes us so unsure of ourselves? Do guys feel like this too?
I mean, the poor girl is critiquing every single word, action and hair out of line in front of him. I dont know about you, but I find feeling this insecure in a new relationship absolutely miserable.
The thing with this teensy insecurity problem is that it exacerbates itself even further than the initial stages of the relationship. It did back in the day, and it still does now.
As demonstrated by this book, when you feel insecure you let yourself feel as though your partner is superior; they can do no wrong. Then, you start to make excuses for them.
They were really stressed with work today so thats why they forgot to return my call, no big deal, Hes with the guys tonight, he needs his guy time, Ill let him be. We convince ourselves of these dumb excuses, when really, theyre just excuses.
If youre in the right relationship with the right person, you should never feel any of the above, especially early on. It should be easy, and your relationship shouldnt heighten your insecurities, it should validate you.
Your boyfriend should build you up in a real emotional way, not just superficially boost your ego because hes rich or famous. That high never lasts long.
So whats the resolve here? It seems that these difficult-to-figure-out relationships, and men, are the ones that we gravitate toward. Theyre just so damn attractive, yet it takes a hell of a lot of patience to be constantly trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle of a man.
Until we realize that when relationships start like this they never end well, well continue to stay on this endless cycle of hard to figure out guys, insecurities and making excuses for someone who actually just doesnt give a fuck.
There comes a point in every single girls life where she becomes ready to hang up her detective equipment and find her equal someone who loves and understands her, who validates her and who makes her a better person.
To me, thats the goal thats worth waiting for. I cant imagine a life with someone when Im constantly second guessing whats going through their mind and constantly excusing them for not making me a priority.
I can forgive myself for learning my lesson on men the hard way time and time again. These guys must really have something if theyve had power over us females for near a century but Im hoping Ive finally figured out how to get over it.
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